Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Randomize
