I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Don't make out with my wife yet
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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