Welp...herpes.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
