Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
