she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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