He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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