im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
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