I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
