i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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