I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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