But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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