Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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