Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
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