Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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