A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
