Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
