I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
