Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
