he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
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