I haven't been this sober since birth.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Randomize
