So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Randomize
