Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
