so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
