my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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