I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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