She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
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I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
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Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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