I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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