She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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