all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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