Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
She's the barista slut.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
