I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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