I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
