shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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