Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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