you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
