sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
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Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I'm just crazy horny about you
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Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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