perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
