What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Last time i carry you out of a forest
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
