ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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