He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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