And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
