your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
