can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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