our cab driver is having phone sex.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
