Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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