I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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