I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
