21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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