I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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