I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
