I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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