gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
