I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
