There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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