I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
