I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
